The Hidden Side of Social Energy: A Lesson From a Third Grade Classroom

If you read my earlier story about the Golden Rule, you might remember the idea that sometimes people will dish it out but cannot take it. That is an easy example of how our outward behavior can look one way while what we need from others is something very different. It is the classic mismatch between what we show and what we need.

When it comes to Social Energy, this mismatch becomes trickier to spot. Social Energy is one of the Birkman components that I believe has the most immediate impact on our relationships, yet it is often misunderstood.

Social Energy reflects two things.
How much interaction you prefer and how much interaction you need in order to perform at your best.

People often assume that what they see is what is true. If someone is outgoing, energetic, involved, and talkative, then they must want even more of that. If someone is quiet or independent, then they must prefer to be alone all the time. But in reality, outward behavior does not always tell the story. Social Energy is about how a person recharges and how they conserve themselves. It is less about who people appear to be and more about what sustains them.

Several years ago, when I had just started using the Birkman assessment in my work, I talked about it nonstop. Nikki, my wife, would tell you she learned as much about the tool as anyone simply because she heard me processing every new insight.

One day, Nikki got a call from our youngest daughter’s third grade teacher. She was concerned. She explained that Maddie was social in class. She had friends, she volunteered, she was engaged. But at recess, she was often alone on the swing. Every day. The teacher worried something might be wrong.

Without hesitation, almost subconsciously, Nikki told her not to worry. Maddie was simply recharging her Social Energy.

Nikki knew this because she knew Maddie. She knew that Maddie could be fully engaged and social in the right moments but that she needed time alone to restore herself. Even today, at sixteen, Maddie still needs significant quiet time to recharge. She has friends. She enjoys being social. She simply prefers it in smaller, intentional doses. Sleepovers, for example, have never been her thing. Not because she does not like people but because constant social demand drains her.

Now imagine knowing this level of insight about your teammates, your friends, or your colleagues. Imagine knowing that someone who pulls back is not upset or disengaged. They may simply be restoring themselves in the exact way that keeps them healthy and performing well. This is the power of understanding Social Energy.

One of the things I find most fascinating is how people with lower Social Energy often bring a very independent view of the world. They see things others do not. They form opinions without needing social validation. They are less concerned about how their thoughts will be received and more focused on whether those thoughts are true. They can be some of the most perceptive, original thinkers in the room, precisely because they are not fueled by group acceptance.

On the other hand, people with high Social Energy often excel in roles that require connection, collaboration, and constant interaction. They are energized by others. They need the rhythm of people around them in order to feel anchored and productive.

Both patterns are strengths. Both add value. Both are essential to a balanced team.

Where the breakdown occurs is when we assume someone else operates the way we do. When we forget that the people around us have different internal wiring. When we overlook the very real differences that drive how people think, feel, and show up.

This is where a good assessment and an experienced coach become incredibly powerful. A coach helps you see patterns you would never notice on your own. A coach helps you understand where your needs differ from your actions. A coach helps you understand the people around you in ways that reduce conflict, increase trust, and unlock performance you did not even know was possible.

At its core, Social Energy is about understanding how each of us engages with the world and what we need in order to bring out our best. When leaders understand this, everything changes. Teams communicate more clearly. Relationships feel easier. Expectations become realistic. Friction turns into understanding.

That is the work I love. Helping people see themselves clearly. Helping teams work in ways that respect how each person is wired. Helping leaders recognize not only who their people are but what their people need.

Because when you understand Social Energy, you do not just understand behavior.
You understand people.
And that is where real performance begins.