Emotion Before Facts
Viewpoint on What a Hostage Negotiator Taught Me About Influence
When I saw that a hostage negotiator was leading a session at a room full of club leaders, I smiled. If you have spent any time in club leadership, you know exactly why that room was full. We may not be dealing with barricades and SWAT teams, but we are absolutely dealing with emotional people in high-stakes moments, and the consequences of getting it wrong can still be expensive.
Scott Tillema did not start with tactics or scripts. He started with a truth that should reshape how we lead, communicate, and manage conflict. Emotion comes before facts. We like to believe we are rational and professional, but the research he referenced and the stories he told point to something different. Most decisions are driven by emotion, often below conscious awareness. By the time facts enter the conversation, the outcome is already moving.
That landed for me in a personal way because I have been guilty of doing the opposite. I have walked into hard conversations armed with logic, data, and explanation, and I have assumed that if I could just make it clear enough, it would resolve itself. Looking back, I can see moments where I was present with the facts but not present with the person. Even when I cared, I did not always communicate that I cared in a way the other person could feel. I wanted to solve the problem. They wanted to feel understood first.
During the session, I kept thinking about something a colleague told me years ago. He said a club president once told him, “You can’t let facts get in the way of a good argument.” It is a funny line until you realize how often it is true in real life. People are not arguing to be corrected. They are arguing to be heard. They are protecting pride, identity, fairness, autonomy, or respect. If we lead with facts too early, we are speaking to the part of the brain that is not in charge at that moment.
“You can’t let facts get in the way of a good argument.”
Scott illustrated this with simple exercises that made the point without preaching. A photo most of us misread because we were thinking fast. An image that looked completely different once we slowed down. A negotiation scenario where people rejected a large amount of money because it felt unfair. The logic was obvious. The emotion was louder. And when emotion is louder, people will make decisions against their own best interest just to restore a sense of fairness or dignity.
That is what I took back to our club world. We spend a lot of energy preparing the “right” information. Policies, budgets, capital plans, governance frameworks, strategic priorities. All of that matters. But when someone feels disrespected, unheard, or treated unfairly, facts do not fix it. In those moments, facts can actually increase the temperature because they feel like a dismissal of the emotion that is driving the reaction.
One of the strongest reminders from the session was how fragile respect can be. Scott shared an example where hours of progress unraveled in seconds because someone used the wrong name at the wrong moment. That is exactly how it works in clubs. A tone. A look. A casual comment in front of others. A rushed email. A correction delivered without care. Respect takes months to build and seconds to fracture, and once it fractures, the conversation stops being about the issue and starts being about the relationship.
He also challenged something most of us do without admitting it. We default to efficiency over courage. We send the email instead of having the conversation. We forward the policy instead of asking the question. We justify it as time management or professionalism, but often it is avoidance. It is easier to be accurate than it is to be emotionally present, especially when we know the other person might react.
What I appreciated most is that his message was not about being softer. It was about being smarter. Managing yourself first. Slowing down. Recognizing triggers. Extending respect even when it is not reciprocated. Asking better questions. Listening longer than feels efficient. Choosing the medium that matches the moment. If the goal is alignment, trust, and resolution, then connection is not optional. It is the pathway.
The session reminded me that leadership is not just the transfer of information. It is the management of emotion. Facts still matter, but timing matters more. If someone is flooded, defensive, or feeling disrespected, the best thing you can do is acknowledge what is happening underneath before you explain what is happening on paper.
I left with a simple conviction. In the moments that matter most, I want to be the kind of leader who can hold both. I want to bring clarity and facts, but I also want people to feel that I am with them, not just correcting them. Because in clubs, influence is not built on being right. It is built on being trusted. And trust is emotional long before it is rational.
